I am not a numbers person. That's why when I struck off to create a signature flavor for The Cookie School, I recruited a higher level math teacher to help me get it right. We did our due diligence. We measured, weighed, blended, tested, collected data, reconfigured, re-blended, and tested again until we had a winning product. We submitted our product to the FDA for approval, ordered up some bottles and caps, designed a label, secured a commercial kitchen, "cooked" our product, and were ready to give it away. We had lots of enthusiasm for it close to home but we really wanted to get it in the hands of independent bakers across the country who are constantly trying to bake a better cake! So, we dropped a line in the water....and they BIT. What we anticipated would be about 100 requests turned into 1,282. Given the cost of mailing that many samples, we had to investigate every possible option for transport. Did you know that you need about $455 worth of PERMITS just to mail a whole bunch of packages? Did you know that mailing a liquid requires a HazMat approval from some important guy in New York? Did you know that a liquid must be mailed inside a ziplock bag, inside a padded envelope? Did you know that your basic, everyday mailing labels don't like to stick onto padded envelopes? Did you know that if you have 2 printers and six ink cartridges, it is not enough to print bulk mailing labels? Did you know that when you take the large quantity of packages to the Post Office, they have a cart with wheels that will help you get the packages from your car to inside in the Post Office but there is a ramp and if the cart is heavy, it will accelerate and (well, never mind). Finally, did you know that the very tired lady behind the desk will weigh packages that you have assured her contain the exact, same contents and ask you to take them home, open them up and level up each bottle to the precise milligram so all the packages will be the exact same weight?!!
We briefly considered pitching them all in the dumpster behind the Post Office but we really wanted to give people what we promised them. This is where the math gets fuzzy. Forget everything you know about "the sum of the parts." It does not apply here.
The label weighs .75 grams
The bottle weighs 9.71 grams
The cap weighs 2.14 grams
The ziplock bag weighs 2.65 grams
The informational insert weighs .87 grams +/- depending on how close they are trimmed
The padded envelope weighs 8.70 grams
All together, these packages total 91.47 grams or 3.226 ounces exactly.
(For future reference, don't go to the Post office with a thousand packages and tell them that they are all 3ish ounces. That won't fly.
While I was whining about how 1,282 identical envelopes containing a little 2 oz. bottle inside a ziplock bag could vary by a fraction of a gram, Marc was intent on "leveling up" the bottles. Drop by drop by freaking drop.
In times like this, I usually say something stupid like, "well we will know next time!" but I am confident that there won't be a next time because as plans go, this one stinks. But, if "all roads lead to Rome," surely there is more than one way to get Cookie Nip in the right hands. I would call this a comedy of errors but the whole thing lost me at comedy. There is nothing funny here.
We are mailing these to THE CURRENT RESIDENT at the address you all provided because if one were to accidentally get returned, I might just SNAP. But, when your little bottle arrives, please do a little happy dance, smell it, use it, post a picture of it but most of all appreciate the journey.
I can hear my mama's voice saying, "if it was easy, everyone would do it."